Endearist
DE EN – switch to German Get Endearist

Question set · Kid

50 Questions to Ask Your Kid About Values — None of Them Have a Right Answer

50 values questions with no correct answer to collect: what is unfair at school, what makes a rule wrong, and what your child would actually give up.

By Endearist 50 questions

Somewhere between five and fifteen your child works out, largely without you, what they think is fair, what they will not do, and which rules deserve to be obeyed at all. Almost none of it ever gets said out loud — partly because nobody asks, and partly because when somebody does ask, it arrives as a test. These fifty questions go after the part your child built themselves: the unfair thing at school you have never heard about, the rule they would keep even if you dropped it tonight, the thing they would give up and the thing they would not. None of them has an answer you could mark, which is the only reason a child answers them honestly.

The half of the day you are not in

This group asks about the classroom, the yard, the bus and the group chat, and it is first on purpose. Everywhere else on this page you have some idea what a good answer sounds like, and your child can feel you having it. Here you have none — you do not know who that class listens to or what gets punished in it — so there is nothing to guess at and the answers come back straight. Works from about six, once school has a society of its own.

  1. Who in your class do people actually listen to, and how did they end up being that person? You are asking how standing gets handed out in a room you have never been in. Take the name without comment — the second you assess the child who was named, you have taught yours to edit the next answer.
  2. What gets you in trouble with other kids that a teacher would never even notice? Two systems of rules run in that building and only one of them is written down. This asks about the other one, which is usually the one your child is more careful about.
  3. Is there a rule at your school that only some kids seem to have to follow? Unequal enforcement is the first injustice most children ever notice, years before they have a word for it. Resist supplying the adult reasons; they are usually real, and they are not what is being asked about.
  4. When something goes wrong in your class, who gets blamed — and is it usually the right person? The second half is the question. A child who says no here has been keeping a private tally for a long time, and you are the first person to ask to see it.
  5. What is something everybody in your year agrees about that no adult has ever asked you? Light to answer, and it hands you the outline of a whole small society. Whatever comes back, write it down later rather than responding to it now.
  6. Has a teacher ever been unfair to somebody else in a way that bothered you more than it bothered them? Minding an injustice that was not yours is a conscience in miniature. Do not turn it into a plan of action; being asked about it is what makes it real.
  7. Is there something that happens at your school that you think is wrong, but everyone has got used to? This is how adults describe their workplaces too, and the answer will sound older than your child. Do not phone anyone about it that evening unless you are asked to.
  8. What do you have to act like you enjoy so that things stay easy? Every child does a bit of this and most believe they are the only one. Name the things you fake at work before you ask, and the answer arrives without shame attached.
  9. Who decides what counts as embarrassing in your class? Shame is the main instrument children use to govern each other, and this asks who is holding it. If the answer is nobody, ask who would notice first if you got it wrong.
  10. Has anybody at school ever asked you to keep something quiet — and were they right to? Almost always this is a small ordinary secret and the second half is a genuinely good ethics question. If it is not — if what comes back frightens you — put the page down and follow the answer instead.
  11. What is the fairest thing you have seen another kid do this year? Generous, costs nothing to answer, and it tells you exactly what your child has decided counts as fair. Ask what it cost the kid who did it.
  12. When kids settle an argument without a grown-up, how does it usually get settled? You are asking for the justice system your child lives under all day. Whatever it turns out to be, it works better than adults assume and worse than children claim.
  13. If a new kid started tomorrow, what would they have to work out fast so they did not get it wrong? The unwritten code, described from outside, which is the only angle from which a child can describe it at all. It also quietly tells you what your own child got wrong once.

What makes a rule wrong, not just annoying

Children are the only people who spend their whole lives under rules they had no part in writing, and it makes them unusually precise about a distinction most adults have stopped bothering with: between a rule you hate and a rule that is actually unjust. These questions ask for the reasoning rather than the complaint, and none of them invites your child to redesign the household. Works from about five — a five-year-old holds firm views here and can defend them.

  1. What is the difference between a rule you hate and a rule that is actually wrong? Start the group here. Most children carry the distinction and have never once been asked to say it, and having said it out loud they use it for the rest of the page.
  2. Is there a rule here you would keep even if I told you tonight that you did not have to? A rule kept without enforcement has been adopted rather than obeyed. Do not promise to drop the others — the offer was hypothetical, and children hold you to offers.
  3. Do rules have to be the same for everybody to be fair, or can they be different? This is the oldest argument in political philosophy and a nine-year-old takes a side in about four seconds. Ask for the case where their own answer stops working.
  4. When somebody breaks a rule, what should happen next — and does it depend who it was? The second half is where it gets honest, because everybody's private answer is yes and almost nobody offers that first. Give yours before theirs.
  5. Is a rule still fair if nobody has ever explained why it exists? Expect this to arrive back at you within a week, attached to one of yours. That is not the question misfiring, that is it working.
  6. Can something be allowed and still be wrong? One short question holding the entire distinction between the law and a conscience. If an example comes with it, that example is the most useful thing on this page today.
  7. Who should be allowed to make rules for you, and up to what age? The age named is a negotiating position rather than a forecast, so treat it as one and do not haggle it down. What is worth hearing is the reason attached to it.
  8. Which of our rules do you think I made for you, and which did I make for me? Braced for a fight this one is unbearable; asked cheerfully it is funny and accurate. Concede out loud the one they are right about, and the whole page gets easier.
  9. Have you ever thought a punishment was much bigger than what somebody actually did? Somebody, not you — this is about proportion, not about a grievance being filed. If it turns out to be one of yours anyway, hear it all the way to the end before you explain.
  10. If a rule is fair but nobody follows it, is it still a rule? Sounds like a riddle and is not one — children have watched several rules die exactly this way. The examples that come with it are worth more than the verdict.
  11. Is it ever right to break a promise? What would it take? A promise is the first contract a child ever signs, so this weighs more than it looks. Whatever threshold gets named, ask whether it also covers promises made to them.
  12. Should you have to say sorry when you are not sorry? Every child has been made to do this and most drew a conclusion about apologies from it. You may not enjoy the conclusion; it is still better to know it.
  13. What should happen to somebody who did something bad a long time ago and is different now? Children are often far stricter than adults here, and then talk themselves round if you stay quiet. Let that happen without helping it along.

The choice with nobody checking

A value only becomes visible at the moment nobody is enforcing it, so this group goes after the unwatched choice — but always through a made-up case or somebody else, never through what your child has actually done. That is not softness. Asked directly, the same question is a confession demanded by the person who decides the consequences, and you would get a lie back and would deserve it. Works from about eight, when being watched turns into something a child can think about rather than only feel.

  1. What is the difference between being good and just not getting caught? It opens the group without asking your child to place themselves on either side of it. If they turn it round and ask which one you are, answer honestly: the honest answer is both.
  2. If you found money on the floor at school, what would depend on how much it was? The amount is doing the work. Nearly everyone has a figure at which their answer flips, and finding out where it sits is the interesting part for both of you.
  3. What would you do that a grown-up would not, if nobody could see either of you? The question grants permission by design, which is why it gets a real answer instead of a careful one. Treat what comes back as information and more of it will come.
  4. When somebody knows the right thing to do and does not do it, what is usually in the way? Children name fear, embarrassment or a friend, and they are right in roughly that order. Whatever gets named is the obstacle your child meets themselves, described from a safe distance — leave it at that distance.
  5. Would you rather nobody ever found out about the best thing you have done, or about the worst? A genuine fork with no approved answer, which is rare enough at this age to be worth spending. Most children choose fast and then start doubting, and the doubting is the part to listen to.
  6. If a friend asked you to lie for them, what would you want to know first? It skips the yes-or-no that nobody answers truthfully and goes straight to the test they would apply. That test is the value.
  7. What makes it easier to tell the truth, and what makes it harder? Listen for whether you appear in either list. If you do, say thank you and change nothing whatsoever about your face.
  8. Is it worse to do something bad, or to watch it happen and say nothing? Children usually pick the first and then go quieter. That quiet is the second half of the answer, so leave room for it.
  9. Does it change what somebody does if they know for certain it will never come out? Third person on purpose, so nobody has to incriminate themselves in order to think about it properly. Bring your own answer, because yours is also yes.
  10. If a machine could show everyone exactly how kind you had been all week, would you want one? The refusal is the interesting answer and it is not a confession, because nobody wants to be scored. Follow it with who they would let look at it anyway.
  11. Is it cheating if everybody does it? Short, and it goes straight at the strongest excuse there is. Whichever way they land, ask what they would say to somebody who landed the other way.
  12. Would you tell on somebody you liked? What would it take? Loyalty against honesty, and this is the age at which the answer gets set. Do not supply your preferred threshold; ask instead about the case just under theirs.

What you would keep when something has to go

Ask a child what matters to them and you get a list. Make them give something up and you get a ranking, which is what you were actually after. Every question here attaches a cost, because priority stays invisible until something has to go. It is also the group that scales furthest: the same question is answered about a toy at six, a Saturday at eleven and a friendship at fifteen, and none of those is the rehearsal.

  1. If you had to give away half of your things to a kid who had none, how would you pick the half? The method is the answer, not the objects. Some children sort by what they love and some by what the other child would need, and those are two different people.
  2. What would you give up a whole weekend for? Time is the only currency a child fully controls, which makes this the most honest price question available to you. Do not offer to make it happen.
  3. Is there something you would still do even if you were the only person doing it? Standing alone is the real cost at this age, far more than money or effort. If nothing comes back, that is worth knowing and is not tonight's problem to fix.
  4. What is something you would refuse to do even if I asked you to? Handing a child a place where they are allowed to refuse you is the entire point, so take whatever comes back without negotiating it. A child who cannot name one has not yet been given permission to have one.
  5. You win a game and then find out the other side made a mistake that helped you. What happens next? Note the wording: what happens, not what should happen. The gap between those two is the entire subject of this page.
  6. What is the most you have ever given up for a friend? It may turn out to be a turn on a swing, and it will have been enormous at the time. Do not measure it against adult sacrifices, out loud or in your face.
  7. What is something that would be worth getting in trouble for? Being in trouble is the one consequence a child carries personally and immediately, so this asks for a price in the only unit that is real to them. Do not pre-approve or rule out whatever gets named — the moment you do, the answer is yours rather than theirs.
  8. Is there something you want that you would stop wanting if you had to take it from somebody else? Wanting and deserving are separate ideas that arrive at separate ages, and this is the spot where they meet. The pause before the answer is thinking, not dodging.
  9. Is there anything about our family you would want kept the same even if it made your life harder? This is the one question here where you have a hoped-for answer, so mind your face. Whatever gets named, do not thank them so warmly that next time it becomes a performance.
  10. What would you spend your own money on that I would never spend mine on? Light, funny, and a values question wearing a joke. The follow-up worth having is whether they think you are wrong or merely old.
  11. If you could only be really good at one of these — kind, funny, brave or clever — which would you pick, and what would you miss? The second half stops it turning into a compliment they pay themselves and makes it a trade instead. Ask which one they think you picked.
  12. If somebody had to explain what you stand for using only things you have actually done, what would they say? End here. It asks what your child counts as evidence about a person, which is the quietest and most durable value on the page — and it works just as well answered about you.

Built in your browser — the file is never uploaded anywhere.

What to do with the answers

The most honest answer you'll get tonight is gone in three months unless you write it down. Endearist keeps it — per person, end-to-end encrypted, with a cadence reminder so you can pick the thread back up next time without scrolling through your messages.

More questions for your kid

More questions about values

Related tools

Frequently asked

What if my child just tells me what they think I want to hear?

Assume it happens at least once. From where your child sits, a values question from a parent looks like a test with a mark at the end, and children detect a test long before they can name one. The tell is speed plus vocabulary: the answer comes back fast, in your phrasing, with a glance at your face halfway through. Asking harder makes it worse. What works is going first — answer the same question about yourself, out loud, in the version that does not make you look good — and then, when the real answer arrives, doing nothing at all with your face. The other fix is structural: use the first group, the questions about school. You genuinely do not know who that class listens to or what gets punished in it, so there is no answer available to guess.

What age are these written for?

One band, roughly five to fifteen, and deliberately not marked question by question. Two children of the same age are years apart on this, and an age label mostly tells you to skip something your child could have handled. The four groups carry it instead: each one says where its territory begins, and a good many questions simply change size — what would you give up gets answered about a toy at six and about a Saturday at fourteen. If a question is too big today it will be the right size in a year, and asking the same one twice, years apart, is one of the better things you can do with this page.

My child cannot really say no to me. Does that not make these unfair to ask?

It would, if the page were built the obvious way. A child asked by a parent has no safe way to decline: no walking off, no changing the subject without a cost, and the person asking also decides bedtime. So the refusal has to be supplied by you, in advance and out loud — pass is a real answer, it costs nothing, and the first time it gets used you have to mean it. After that: one question, not six; side by side rather than face to face; never while your child is already in trouble; and never in front of a sibling or a visitor, where declining would be public. If you notice yourself asking a second time in the same sitting, you have stopped asking and started requiring.

Which questions did you leave out on purpose?

Every one that asks a child to confess. Have you ever lied to me, have you cheated, did you take that, is there something you have not told me — those are not values questions at all, they are investigations, and the person conducting them also decides the consequences. An honest answer costs the child something real; a dishonest one teaches them that the safest reply to a parent is a manufactured one. Each of them has a safe cousin, and the swap is most of the skill. Instead of have you ever cheated, ask whether it is cheating if everybody does it. Instead of did you lie to me, ask what makes it easier to tell the truth and what makes it harder. Instead of have you broken a rule, ask what makes a rule wrong rather than merely annoying. Same territory, and only one version punishes your child for being honest.

What do I do if I do not like the answer?

Nothing, on the day. A value your child worked out themselves and said out loud is worth more to you than a correct-sounding one they repeated, even when the one they worked out is wrong — you cannot revise a belief you were never shown. Correcting in the moment does not remove the belief, it removes the telling. If it genuinely matters, come back to it a week later from your own side: here is what I think about that, here is why, and you do not have to agree with me tonight. The one exception is an answer suggesting your child is unsafe, or is being asked to keep quiet about something they should not have to. Then put the page down and follow the answer.

How many should I ask at once, and when?

One. Two if the first opened something and your child is still talking. Side by side beats face to face by a wide margin: the car, the walk to school, the washing-up, the ten minutes after lights out when nobody has to look at anybody. Avoid the dinner table with an audience, avoid the half hour after a telling-off, and avoid any moment where your child can tell you have been reading up on this. A question that arrives out of nowhere in the car gets answered; the same question introduced with I would like us to talk about values does not.

What should I do with the answers afterwards?

Write them down, badly and soon. What a nine-year-old says about whether a rule can be fair and different at the same time will be gone from your memory inside a fortnight, and it is exactly what you will want in four years when the same child argues the opposite. Keep the wording rather than your summary of it; the summary is already your version. Endearist is a private, end-to-end encrypted notebook with a page per person, which is a good home for a sentence a child said once in the car and will never say quite that way again.