No One Completes You: How to Set Realistic Expectations in a Relationship

Expecting one person to meet every emotional, spiritual, and social need you have is not setting a high standard — it is a structural flaw that can quietly suffocate a relationship.

In The All-or-Nothing Marriage (2017), Eli Finkel documents how modern couples now demand self-actualization from the same relationship that previous generations relied upon merely for safety and companionship. Consequently, the ceiling for great marriages has never been higher, but the floor for miserable ones has never been lower. Setting realistic expectations in a relationship is essential for long-term happiness.

The Soulmate Myth: Why Perfect Expectations Poison Good Partnerships

The soulmate narrative feels deeply romantic. It suggests that out there, someone is uniquely and perfectly tailored just for you. However, this beautiful story often becomes a trap when reality inevitably hits.

Psychologist Alexandra Solomon, drawing on research by Lee and Schwartz, highlights that a firm belief in perfect matches correlates with greater relationship dissatisfaction. Why? Because when you expect perfection, every minor disagreement or ordinary friction is misinterpreted as evidence that you chose the “wrong person,” rather than the normal cost of human closeness.

Redefining the Soulmate

You don’t need to abandon the idea of a soulmate entirely, but it requires a healthier definition. A soulmate isn’t “someone who completes me without effort.” Instead, it is “someone who is worth growing and struggling alongside.”

This vital shift changes your internal dialogue:

• From: “Are we truly compatible?” (A question fueled by anxiety with no definitive answer)
• To: “Are we both still willing to put in the work?” (An actionable, empowering question)

Escaping the Comparison Trap

Thich Nhat Hanh eloquently described the “trap of comparison”—the exhausting psychological pressure to have the best relationship, rather than simply enjoying a good one. Partners who constantly measure their connection against an idealized, cinematic standard often fail to appreciate the genuine warmth right in front of them. Acceptance of the present moment isn’t “settling”; it is the fundamental prerequisite for gratitude.

The Modern Ceiling: What Are We Actually Asking For?

Finkel’s research reveals a profound shift in modern love: we have mapped Maslow’s hierarchy of needs directly onto our romantic partners. Once basic safety and belonging are secured, we now demand personal growth, passionate sex, best-friendship, and intellectual stimulation—all from the exact same person.

No previous generation expected a spouse to play so many roles simultaneously. The marriages that actually manage to deliver on this are extraordinary. However, the ones that fall short often feel like failures, even if they would have been considered incredibly successful just a few decades ago.

Distribute Your Needs to Save Your Relationship

The solution is not to lower your standards or settle for a miserable partnership. The solution is to stop routing every single need through one person.

In Opening Up, Tristan Taormino argues that human beings simply have more emotional needs than any single partner can reliably meet. Even committed, monogamous couples thrive when they deliberately distribute their needs:

• Lean on close friends for specific types of venting or shared hobbies.
• Seek fulfillment and purpose through meaningful work.
• Cultivate your own rich, interior life.

A relationship that is forced to act as a substitute for a social life, a career, and personal hobbies will eventually buckle under the weight.

The “Three Marriages”: Why One Must Be With Yourself

Poet and philosopher David Whyte introduces a powerful framework in The Three Marriages. He argues that a sustainable, fulfilling life requires balancing three concurrent commitments:

1. Your relationship with your partner
2. Your relationship with your meaningful work
3. Your relationship with your inner self

These commitments are not competing loyalties; they are mutually sustaining. If you abandon your vocation entirely for a relationship, you risk breeding deep resentment. If you sacrifice your inner development for your career, you may reach midlife feeling hollow. And if you demand that your partner fill the void left by a lack of meaningful work or self-connection, they will inevitably collapse under a burden they were never meant to carry.

The practical takeaway: If you feel an aching sense that “something is missing” in your life, the answer is rarely “I need more from my partner.” More often, it is “I have neglected one of my other two marriages.” This realization shouldn’t cause you to lower your expectations of your partner; rather, it should inspire you to raise your expectations of yourself.

How to Love the Stranger Your Partner Becomes

Theologian Stanley Hauerwas famously noted an uncomfortable truth: “We never know whom we marry.”

The person you joyfully commit to at 25 will not be the exact same person you share a morning coffee with at 55. Over decades, core values shift, new interests emerge, and old wounds may surface to reshape your dynamic. Committed partnership is the only arena where a person’s hidden character is fully revealed over time. While this “midnight unmasking” can be painful, it is also the only environment where profound personal growth is possible.

Compatibility is a Product, Not a Prerequisite

Because people change, compatibility is not a static trait you find; it is a skill you actively build.

Couples who expect a natural, effortless fit and subsequently stop working on their connection are usually blindsided by the ordinary drift that long-term relationships experience. Conversely, couples who understand that love requires continuously learning to embrace the person their partner is becoming navigate this drift with grace.

(For practical strategies on navigating this, read our guide on keeping long-term love strong, or explore how differentiation helps you stay connected by maintaining your own identity.)

The Michelangelo Effect

Psychologist Caryl Rusbult’s research into the Michelangelo effect offers a beautiful, actionable tool for healthy expectations. The effect shows that partners who consistently affirm each other’s ideal self-concept—treating their partner as the person they are striving to become—actively facilitate that growth.

Much like Michelangelo chipping away marble to reveal the masterpiece inside, the way you speak about your partner’s potential (both directly to them and to others) has measurable downstream effects on who they actually become.

Expect your partner to grow, and support them in that growth. That is a high standard truly worth keeping.

References

1. Reference

   The All-or-Nothing Marriage

   Finkel, E. J. (2017). Dutton.

2. Reference

   Loving Bravely

   Solomon, A. (2017). New Harbinger.

3. Reference

   Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

   Taormino, T. (2008). Cleis Press.

4. Reference

   The Meaning of Marriage

   Keller, T. (2011). Dutton.

5. Reference

   The Three Marriages

   Whyte, D. (2009). Riverhead Books.

6. Reference

   The Opposite of Settling

   Kenny, M. (2021). Sounds True.

7. Reference

   No Mud, No Lotus

   Thich Nhat Hanh (2014). Parallax Press.