How to start a conversation with anyone

The easiest opener is a **mere observation** about the shared situation — the long queue, the weather, the event you are both at. Conversation analyst **Elizabeth Stokoe** shows in *Talk* (2021) that these ritual small-talk moves do not carry information; they signal *interest and openness*. That signal is all the other person needs. There is no perfect line to find. Pick the most obvious thing in front of you, say it warmly, and the conversation is already started. Clever or witty openers backfire because they raise the stakes for the reply.

Awkwardness almost always comes from the gap between saying nothing and suddenly saying something big. **Stokoe (2021)** describes how **adjacency pairs** govern conversation — a greeting expects a greeting back, a question expects an answer. If you open with a simple, low-stakes remark, the social script already tells the other person what to do next. The structure does the work. What creates awkward moments is either dead silence followed by a forced deep question, or rehearsed openers that feel scripted. Ordinary works precisely because it is ordinary.

Less than you think. **Epley & Schroeder (2014)** found that people dramatically overestimate how uncomfortable a conversation with a stranger will be, and dramatically underestimate how rewarding it turns out. The first sentence matters far less than making *contact at all*. A stumbled 'hi, crazy weather' lands better than a perfectly formed opener delivered thirty seconds too late. Timing and warmth carry more weight than word choice. The pressure you feel to say the right thing is the main obstacle — not the thing you say.

Use **the shared situation as your material** — the party itself, the host, the food, the music. You are both already there for the same reason; that is a ready-made connection. **McGowan (2015)** notes you have roughly **30 seconds** to hook someone's attention before minds wander, so get to the point early rather than circling. A direct, warm question ('How do you know [host]?') works better than an abstract opener because it gives the other person something concrete to answer. After the answer, ask one follow-up. You are off.

Start ordinary, then get curious. The opening line is not where the interesting conversation happens — it is the door. Once through, **Andy Maslen** argues in *Persuasive Copywriting* that curiosity-piquing moves draw people in: ask something that has no obvious answer, that hints at a story. 'What brought you to [city / job / this group]?' opens more than 'What do you do?' because it invites a narrative rather than a label. The conversation shifts from ritual exchange to genuine interest somewhere around the third or fourth exchange — not the first.

Prepare a **30-second personal intro** — not a job title, but a sentence about what you do and who you help. **Muller (2012)** and **Gitomer (2003)** both argue that leading with benefit rather than title gives people something to engage with immediately. 'I help small businesses stop losing clients' lands differently than 'I'm in CRM sales.' Beyond that, keep a handful of open questions ready — not a script, just a mental list of things you are genuinely curious about. Preparation builds confidence; confidence makes the opener feel natural.

Use the **dog code**. **Selena Rezvani** describes in *Quick Confidence* (2022) how dog owners approach strangers with immediate warmth and zero hesitation — the dog is the excuse, but the posture is the real thing. Translate that to any setting: commit to initiating contact *before you have the perfect words*. The words are secondary. Look around, find the most obvious shared thing, and say something about it with a warm tone. Freezing is usually the mind searching for a clever opener — stop searching, and the ordinary one is already there.

Ask a follow-up question based on what they just said. That is it. Most conversations stall because one person gives a fact and the other gives a fact back, and nobody goes deeper. **Stokoe (2021)** shows that **adjacency pairs** create natural continuations — each statement or question sets up the next move. When someone says 'I'm visiting from Berlin,' the obvious follow-up is about Berlin, not about you. Mirror their topic back as a question. Good conversations feel effortless because one person kept doing this, not because both people are equally fascinating. See our guide on [how to ask better questions](/en/blog/how-to-ask-better-questions) for the full pattern.

Small talk is structurally necessary, even if it is content-free. **Stokoe (2021)** explains that ritual openers — weather, queues, shared observations — are *not* filler; they are the mechanism by which two people signal mutual willingness to talk. Skipping them and opening with something deep feels threatening because you have bypassed the social handshake. The information in small talk is zero; the signal is everything. Once the willingness is established — usually within two or three exchanges — the conversation can go anywhere. See our guide on [moving from small talk to deep conversation](/en/blog/from-small-talk-to-deep-conversation) for when and how to make that shift.

Give it **two attempts**, then release the outcome. One short answer could be distraction, nerves, or a bad moment — it is rarely about you. A second warm, open question gives them a real opportunity to engage. If the response is still flat, that is useful information: this person does not want to talk right now, and pressing harder will not change that. Move on without interpreting it as rejection. **Epley & Schroeder (2014)** found people assume social interactions will go badly far more often than they actually do — the occasional closed response confirms a real outlier, not a pattern.